


inside, it's empty

by 3racha (cosmic97)



Series: vent fics [2]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Body Dysmorphic Disorder, Body Image, Eating Disorders, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Implied Relationships, Lee Felix (Stray Kids)-centric, Minor Lee Felix/Seo Changbin, Recovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-17
Updated: 2019-08-01
Packaged: 2020-06-29 21:08:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19838536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cosmic97/pseuds/3racha
Summary: the secret is to just be empty.or the fic where felix develops an eating disorder and has to learn how to recover and fight the voice he once trusted.trigger warning: although this fic doesn't go into that much detail, it does center around an eating disorder so please read with caution.





	1. the voice crept in

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the beginning of it all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> like my jeongin centric fic, this fic unfortunately comes from my own experience so please keep that in mind. this fic is also heavily inspired by the song empty by boyinaband and jaiden animations since it really struck home with me. the title comes from the song and each chapter will start with the verse from the song that relates to that particular chapter.  
> also this is all fictional, in no way am i trying to diagnose felix or 'prove' anything. i just needed a way to vent and this fic came out of that. 
> 
> trigger warning: this fic deals with the eating disorder known as anorexia nervosa. please read with caution or click away if you are sensitive to these type of fics.

* * *

_Mirror mirror on the wall, yeah_

_Tunnel vision on the flaws_

_In the scale of things it’s unimportant_

_So no talking, but it’s still an intrusive thought_

_Tried hard to correct it, yeah_

_But nothing was effective, uh_

_Things were desperate until the voice crept in_

_"I can help you, trust me, you’re ready"_

_It seemed dangerous_

_But it said to have faith in it_

* * *

felix doesn't remember when it begins, when he starts to look at himself in disgust, when the numbers on the scale begin to matter more.

he remembers when he was twelve. he had been slightly overweight but exercise and the natural process of puberty had quickly helped him shed any excess fat.

it was only a year of his life but the comments, the looks, would stay with him forever.

he would always remember the doctors, with their ruthless comments about being overweight and obese, how he needed to be _skinny_ and _healthy._ his mother would look at him in disappointment whenever he ate anything fatty, and murmur under her breath about dieting pills.

those memories never leave and even though eighteen year old Felix is thin, probably more so than a boy his age should be, he can't help the feelings that stir inside him.

as an idol, he spends more than ten to twelve hours exercising and his food intake is constantly restricted. that doesn't stop the fat that stubbornly collects at Felix's cheeks, that will not go away no matter how much dieting he does.

for years, the voices calm and he feels fine. but it only takes one snowflake to cause an avalanche.

it's their monthly weigh in, to ensure their sticking to their diets and not going over their "recommended" weights before their comeback.

"felix, you're up." chan says as he exits the room where they conduct the weigh ins.

felix sighs, standing up and walks inside. his stomach is churning and he can't help but to check his pulse as his anxiety goes haywire. he doesn't know why he has a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach.

he greets the doctor, a new one that the company had only just employed after their last one became a doctor for another company. the doctor doesn't acknowledge him. _weird._

"step on the scale."

is all he says and felix nods, his body tense. ever since his weight issues as a kid, felix has hated knowing how much he weighs. having a number, a physical representation of how _fat_ he is, always gives the voices ammo.

he steps on the scale and looks away. he feels like his heart is going to jump out of his chest. _god, please let this be over soon._

he hears the doctor move the scales, narrowing them down so they reveal his weight.

_please don't say the number, please please don't tell me how much i weigh, pleas--_

"59kg."

felix closes his eyes. _god, that was so much._

he didn't get it. he did everything the company asked him to do! he watched his sugar and carb intake, he drank nothing but water and he exercised more than they had recommended.

"felix." the doctor begins and felix _knows_ he's going to be scolded. "i'm disappointed. everyone on your team weighs less than this. you're the heaviest one, almost overweight. you know better."

_he does! he does know better!_

felix can feel how his fingers tremble, how his chest aches and tries to stop the tears from coming out. _pathetic, crying in the office because you're a fatty who can't lose weight._

"sorry."

he whispers, his voice small. god, it's embarrassing. everyone else was losing weight and sticking to the diets. he was the only one who couldn't do it. _what a fuck up._

"sorry won't cut it. we won't be having weigh ins for another month. when you return i want you to be 49kg, understood?"

felix nods his head, not meeting the doctor's face, "yes sir."

the doctor scoffs, "very well. you can leave now."

felix scurries out the door. he wants to be anywhere but there. he sees the others laughing and he's filled with shame.

_everyone passed their weigh ins, no one was overweight like me._

their manager smiles when he sees felix and rushes them out the door so they get to dance practice on time.

"hey, you okay?" changbin asks when he sees how quiet he is in the car.

felix nods his head, his eyes focused on the window, "yeah just tired i guess."

changbin doesn't looked convinced but he nods. jeongin screeches, calling out for changbin who looks conflicted but turns to the maknae.

_49kg. how am i going to do that? I've been doing everything the company asked and i still can't lose weight._

he sighs, maybe dance practice will ease his worries. plus he can exercise and hopefully lose more weight!

he brightens up at that thought and closes his eyes to get some rest.

as he goes to sleep, he doesn't hear the voices in his head, the warning signs of what's to come.

no, for now he sleeps, blissfully aware.

in his dreams, he's beautiful and _thin._

* * *

"-- and cut! great job today guys. you've all really improved." their dance instructor says.

the boys cheer, happy to be complimented but more so that practice is over. their dance instructor says goodbye and heads out the door. everyone gathers their things, bodies aching and sweaty.

"felix, aren't you going to grab your stuff?"

felix gives chan a smile. of course his hyung would be the one to notice. he had a sixth sense for his members.

"i-i'm going to stay behind if that's okay? to practice! there's some things i want to perfect."

he can see the frown on chan's face, like he's debating on whether or not to allow him. he pouts, knowing exactly how to get chan to say yes.

"c'mon hyung, it won't be for long. i just feel restless and have all these ideas so i want to put it out there."

_bingo._

chan sighs but nods his head, "okay but don't stay up too late okay? we have practice in the morning and you need your rest."

felix smiles, a little guilty that he's tricking his hyung but he knows the end result will be worth it.

"promise."

it's an empty promise but it satisfies chan who grabs his stuff and moves to join the others. he presses a kiss on felix's forehead and gives him a hug before he leaves.

once everyone is gone, felix sighs, body sliding down the mirror as he collapses.

practice _had_ been hard on all of them. his body already felt like lead, he didn't know how he could exercise for much longer.

he hesitantly turns on his phone and opens an internet browser. he goes on incognito mode, paranoid someone might see he search results.

_how to lose weight quickly?_

he looks through the results, all of them about diets. he furrowed his eyebrows, he's tried every diet out there and none of them have worked. an interesting result catches his eye.

_the best way to lose weight fast!_ with a picture of a thin girl.

he clicks on it and skims the article. he shakes his head… that can't be possible? it can't be healthy at the very last.

_the best kept secret of any industry is that the easiest way to lose weight it to restrict! the less you eat, the less your body puts on, and the less you have to exercise or diet. it's easy! no one knows and_ ** _everyone_** _does it. start off small, stop eating snacks, skip a meal and then move on to more. your body will adjust and soon you won't even feel hungry! the body is made to adjust so it's perfectly healthy._

it can't be that easy.

the article said _everyone_ does it so it can't be that bad right?

he stands up and looks in the mirror. he slowly lifts his shirt up and grimaces. god, he knew he was fat but to _actually_ see it, is harrowing.

he turns to the side and almost throws up. the members really kept him when he looks like _this?_

now he knows why the doctor was so hard on him. he's holding the group back by looking like this. how did he even have fans?

_you don't,_ the voice whispers, _but if you lose more weight, you will! you'll be so popular and your members will no longer keep you in the group out of pity._

he fidgets. it doesn't seem like a bad idea. he _needs_ to lose weight. to shed all his flaws, especially if he wanted to be in the group.

he thinks about his members, all of them have such pretty bodies. they're all so skinny. they aren't obtuse like him, they don't have chubby cheeks like him.

_c'mon. it'll work! you can trust me._

he looks at his stomach, at his thighs, at his cheeks and frowns.

_well, it couldn't hurt to try right?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And end. Here are some notes (which are personal) so you can skip these if it might trigger you.  
> \- i first had my eating disorder at twelve so that's why i made felix start to experience everything at that age. my mom did her best to put me on diet pill so that's why Felix's mom does that as well.  
> \- that doctor may seem like an asshole but there are actual doctors like that and I've experienced too many of them.  
> \- im not sure if it's just me but i have an eating disorder voice, at least i call it that, and it's the voice that well tells me not to eat etc so whenever felix thinks something bad its really the voice. the voice is essentially its own character and its a big part of this fic because once it's there, it never really goes away, you just learn to ignore it.  
> \- 59kg is 130lbs, it's actually a not so healthy weight for someone as tall as felix to begin with (according to google), he should weigh just a little more. 49kg is 108 pounds. that's so underweight and unhealthy.
> 
> anyway i hope you guys liked chapter 1! please let me know your thoughts and i hope to update soon.


	2. no, i'm not hungry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the difference eighteen days can make.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no notes at the beginning, just the end, enjoy ~

* * *

_And at first, it was working_

_But then things were emerging_

_Cracked lips and tired eyes_

_I’m hungry with no appetite_

_I'm shivering and shaking, and i tell myself it's fine_

_Empty_

_I just need to be empty_

_Hide from anybody who'll prevent me_

_Just fill up on water and shame_

_No, i'm not hungry, i just ate_

_I've developed a taste for this_

_Endure the neverending ache_

* * *

it's three am.

well no, it was going to be four am, in about five minutes.

regardless, it's too early to be awake and felix knows he's going to be tired later during practice.

but really, when isn't he tired?

everyday it seems to get worse. felix is use to being tired, being a trainee or a debuted idol is _not_ easy. he's used to having aches and not getting enough sleep.

he's not used to _this._ of being so tired he sleeps any chance he gets. of his brain being so hazy from how tired he is. of losing the motivation to do anything because _god he's so tired._

it feels like he's dragging his body along. it's takes so much strength to go up stairs and his limbs never want to cooperate with him anymore.

he knows the bags under his eyes are becoming worse -- jisung pointed them out the other day -- but he chose to ignore it.

he licks his chapped lips, and stops himself from shaking. it's so cold in the bathroom.

he tries to ignore the small voice that tells him it's _summer,_ he shouldn't be cold.

he steps on the scale, waiting for the numbers to appear. it's been eighteen days since he started his new _diet,_ and every night, when everyone is asleep, he comes to the bathroom to weigh himself.

he knows it's bad to do so. no matter what happens, the voice is never happy. if he doesn't lose weight, it gets angry and tells him he doesn't _deserve_ to eat. if he's lost weight, it tells him that he's doing _so_ well, that he has to continue.

_54kg_ the scale reads out.

he pinches his thighs, trying not to make a noise. his eyes involuntarily water. he's not sure if it's from the pain or how _awful_ he feels.

_look at that. you know you can do better. maybe you shouldn't have eaten that banana yesterday felix. you'll have to make it up by not eating today._

felix trembles. he had been _so_ hungry yesterday. he hadn't eaten in _days_ and he couldn't handle it. he knew he was weak but that banana tasted so good and once he had started, he couldn't stop.

he's fully shaking as he sinks to the ground. he's cold and tired and he just wants to sleep forever.

he knows he has to do better.

_i'll do better, i promise,_ he pleads to the voice. he just wants it to stop.

_oh i know you will,_ the voice says, _I'm just helping felix, you know you'll feel so much better when you finally lose all that weight._

tears fall down felix's face but he nods regardless.

he's doing this for the group, for himself. he was going to be _happy._

he thinks of how pretty he'll look, all thin with a flat stomach and smiles.

_he's going to be so happy._

* * *

_"_ \--lix hyung! we have practice in 5 minutes!"

felix holds back a groan as he opens his eyes. he blinks his eyes a few times, the room is spinning and his vision has dark spots.

"finally. ive been calling your name for ages." jeongin says as he steps away from his bed.

"yeah i'm up, sorry." he murmurs. he stands up, and sighs. his body aches and he just wants to go back to bed.

"get dressed hyung, we have to leave in like 3 minutes."

jeongin leaves the room and felix sighs again. it feels like it takes all his energy to get dressed and he almost falls over twice.

he exits the room and goes straight to the pitcher. he fills a cup with water and chugs it.

_guess breakfast is done huh?_ he thinks almost sadly.

he joins the others, putting on his shoes so they can leave.

"hey, you're up." changbin says behind him and if he had any energy, he would've jumped but he's too tired.

felix hums back, not really in the mood to make conversation. hell, when is he ever in the mood nowadays? he can't remember the last time he joined the group to talk or play.

changbin places a hand on his back when he almost topples into the shoes, "woah, you good? did you eat?"

"huh? yeah i did. just something small." he lies. he's been doing that a lot. _lying._ it comes so easily to him now.

changbin gives him a look that says he doesn't believe him but he thankfully doesn't call him out on it.

"you should have a big lunch then but here." he slips felix a granola bar and walks out the dorm to the waiting car.

felix looks at the granola bar, thinking about his hyung's word. he's conflicted. he knows he's not eating enough but he thought that that was what his hyungs _wanted._ he was so fat, there was no doubt they wanted him to be thinner.

_but then why…? why give him the granola bar and tell him to eat?_

"c'mon felix!"

he blinks, and quickly exits the room. he holds onto the granola bar, put it in his sweater's pocket, debating if he should eat it.

they arrive to the company in no time.

as they walk to the practice room, felix plays with the granola bar.

_one bite shouldn't hurt…_

"did you see him --?"

"-- need to lose weight --"

felix stops as he overhears chan and woojin's conversation.

_are… are they talking about him?_

he feels his eyes tear up. he knows he's fat but for his hyungs to say he needed to lose more weight? it hurt a lot more than he thought

_see i told you felix, you're only bringing the group down. even your hyungs think so. you need to keep going. do you want them to continue to be ashamed of you?_ the voice says and he knows what he has to do.

he grips the granola bar tight and throws it in the first trash can he sees.

he tells himself the aches in his stomach aren't from hunger. how can he be hungry? he's full of shame.

they make it to the practice room. he immediately starts to stretch, ready to exercise. he's never been so glad that they practice almost every day.

he avoids his reflection in the mirror. he knows what he's going to see and he _hates_ it.

he misses the look of concern four people in the room share as they stare at him through the mirror.

As their teacher starts practice, felix ignores the aches and the tiredness in his bones.

he's going to lose weight. _he has to._ he wants to be happy with the way he looks in the mirror.

_no matter what it takes._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter made me realize just how bad eating disorders get which sounds dumb cos i have one but you never really think of it like this until it's from someone else's perspective.  
> anyway some notes:  
> \- people are starting to catch on!  
> \- 54kg = 119 lbs  
> \- chan and Woojin's full conversation that felix only heard snippets of:  
> "did you see him eat this morning?"  
> " no. he doesn't need to lose weight, he's so thin already."  
> there's more to it but thats the full convo that felix misheard. its sad how the mind twists it to use against us huh?
> 
> anyway leave me your thoughts! my next update schedule will hopefully be monday or Tuesday. It's dead weak for me next week so we'll see. i have chapter 3 done, im halfway through chapter 4 actually. i don't want to update until im done with that chapter so it will also depend on that!


	3. the days begin to merge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> day twenty five is one of his worst.

* * *

_Been getting even worse, ah_

_All the days begin to merge, yeah_

_Just a blurry haze and now it’s_

_Almost second nature to ignore the urges_

_Can’t trust my own nature_

_Every calorie a failure_

_Gotta push the intake down every day_

_‘Cause the voice comes back to say_

_"You want to eat? Bite your tongue"_

_Don’t want to stay an embarrassment_

_Just have to stomach it_

_"They don't know what you want"_

_A tug of war against common sense_

_Don’t wanna believe that I’ve overstepped_

* * *

twenty five days.

that's how long he's been on this diet. at least he _thinks_ so. the days are starting to blur together and he can never remember what day it is.

he stands on the familiar scale, waiting for the numbers to appear. as he stands on the scale he looks at his face.

his eyes… look dead and the bags under his eyes are so prominent.

it's harrowing, to see his reflection. it doesn't feel like he's looking at himself. he remembers chubby cheeks and a smile. the person in the mirror looks like a hollow shell of who he once was.

he looks down at the scale. he can't think of that right now, he has more important things to worry about.

_49kg_ the scale reads.

he did it. he lost all the weight he needed to before weigh ins. he met his goal.

but then why… why doesn't he feel accomplished? why doesn't he feel happy?

he did what he had to do. he's here now, weighing 49kg but then why is he so unsatisfied? why does he feel greedy? why does he want _more._

he can eat now. he can stop exercising like crazy now, right?

_but you can lose so much more felix,_ the voice cooed, _imagine how popular you'll be. how much_ **_he'll_ ** _want you if you're thinner! your group will be so happy to not have any unnecessary weight._

it sounds tempting. if he's lost this much, what harm will it do to lose more?

_but you've already lost so much! you did it, you can eat again,_ another voice tells him.

the voices begin to argue back and forth and he clutches his head. his common sense says it's _okay_ to eat but the voice has never been wrong. the voice has been there for him.

he pinches his nose to stop the tears.

he'll figure it out in the morning. it's two am and he needs to rest. he's exhausted.

he turns the light off and exits the bathroom. he only makes it a few steps before he bumps into someone.

"oof" he says as he falls back. he tries not to hear how loud it sounds when he lands. it sounds like a stampede of elephants and he grimaces at the reminder of how heavy he is.

"felix?"

it's chan's voice. felix flinches, scrambling to his feet. it takes some effort, his body feels weak and light.

"sorry hyung, didn't see where i was going." he whispers.

chan looks at him. he squirms, he doesn't like the look in his eyes.

"felix why are you awake?"

felix bites down on his cheek, the lies slipping through his lips like it's second nature, "just had to pee, that's all."

"sure." chan says. his eyes soften, "felix… if something was wrong, you'd tell me right?"

"of course hyung. i trust you."

_lies, lies, lies._

he wants to yell it out, to tell his hyung about what he's doing but the voice keeps him quiet.

_he doesn't know anything felix, he doesn't know what you want. i do. listen to me._

"okay." chan looks disappointed and felix knows he put that look on his hyung's face, "go to bed, we have schedules tomorrow."

felix nods and slips into his room. he quietly walks to his bed and slides under his bedsheet.

_oh, he's shaking._

he didn't even notice. had he been shaking this entire time? he doesn't feel when his body shakes anymore. he's gotten so use to always feeling cold that it doesn't even register in his mind.

he just needs to sleep, that's it. he needs to sleep and it will all be better.

he silently prays he never wakes up.

* * *

"-lix-"

"--he okay?"

"c'mon bud wake up --"

felix groans as he feels someone shake him. he blinks, trying to open his eyes but his eyelids feel heavy.

"you're almost there, just open your eyes."

he opens his eyes and almost closes them again, the lights are blinding. there are people standing above him but it all looks like blurs. he blinks his eyes, trying to shake away the dizziness.

when he regains his vision, he sees chan, woojin and minho starting at him with concern.

he gasps, trying to stand up but chan pushes him down. _w-what happened? where is he? what time is it?_

he can feel his anxiety burst into action as he tries to remember what happened. it all comes up blank. _he can't remember a thing. what day is it?_

"calm down felix, you're okay, you're just on the kitchen floor." chan says soothingly in english.

the kitchen? that's the _last_ place he'd be in.

"i'm okay."

is all he says, finally sitting up and staring at the room. on the floor lies a package of cookies. they've all fallen to the floor, spread around him almost perfectly.

_what?_

and then it hits him. he woke up at four am in pain, his stomach aching. he felt so nauseous and the pain was sharp and brutal. he remembers stumbling to the kitchen, hoping that if he ate _anything_ the pain, the ache, would go away.

after that it all goes blank.

"okay my ass." minho says, his face serious. for once he's not playing around, "felix we found you passed out on the floor."

so that's what happened.

he's been doing that lately. he'll black out or pass out at random. there are spots in his memories. he doesn't know why it happens but the next moment he'll awake with no memory of closing his eyes.

this is the first time someone witnesses it.

he feels shame. how dare he let his members see him like _this._ he's a mess, he most likely looks disgusting and his face is probably fat and swollen.

"i hit my head, not hard, but then i slipped and fell. that's all i remember." he lies. his lie sounds weak even to his own ears.

he stands up with his hyung's help and thanks them, not meeting any of their eyes.

"felix… if something is going on." woojin starts.

_they don't know what you want felix. they're_ **_lying_ ** _to you. i know what's best for you. don't listen to them. we need to do this together. look how much you've lost, you're doing so well. don't throw it away._

"nothing is wrong. i'm fine." he says as he pushes past them and speed walks to his room. he can hear his name but he ignores them.

he lies down on his bed. he scoffs. he wishes they would stop asking and trying to start a conversation. there's _nothing_ wrong with him.

he's fine!

he's fine.

maybe if it he repeats it enough, he'll believe it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and scene! this will be the last chapter for a bit cos my classes are coming to an end and ya boy has to finish all the work he procrastinated on.  
> some notes tho:  
> \- the thing i struggled the most with (that i can remember) was passing out / fainting / blacking out so i portrayed that onto felix! its actually quite scary to wake up with no recollection of where you are or what day it is.  
> \- felix is finally realizing that what he's doing is wrong. i know i had a point where i realized that i was doing something bad to myself but i brushed it off before i had The Big Realization like felix will.  
> \- i think this chapter really shows how hard it is to escape from an eating disorder. like felix reached his goal, yet he continues down the path. even in pain he still goes with the voice. eating disorders are so dangerous so if you have one, please seek medical help, i know its hard but they can spiral way out of control.  
> \- 49kg = 108 lbs
> 
> i got some really sweet messages about my writing and how realistic this fic is. im sorry ive been too busy to respond but i will do my best to respond soon! im always here for yall! stay safe!  
>    
> 


	4. the numbers keep decreasing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it all ends on day thirty.

* * *

_But it’s so overwhelming_

_And I hope no one can tell_

_'Cause the numbers keep decreasing_

_This ordeal is becoming routine, check_

_Arms, back, neck, thighs_

_Suck it in and pinch my sides_

_The scales are betraying me_

_The mirror is a lie,  
_

_Numbers_

_It all comes down to numbers_

_Fine, I'll admit I’m addicted_

_But the hunger feels good, how do I quit this_

_I know I could die, I’ve seen the statistics_

_But the voice is with me through thick and thin_

* * *

on day thirty, felix breaks.

he's at the end of his daily routine. he stands on the scale, watching the numbers decrease. _when will it be enough? when will he be enough?_

_never,_ the voice whispers.

he lifts his shirt, pinching at the fat there. he moves onto his thighs and does the same. he watches the areas turn red, some of them bleed.

it's not as enjoyable as before but it's his routine. he _has_ to do it.

he looks down at the scale, his breath caught in his throat. before he was afraid to see the number because he didn't want to know how fat he was.

now he's scared to see how far he's gone.

_45kg_ the scale reads and he starts to cry.

what is he doing? he's wasting away. he hasn't eaten in god knows how long. his hands shake, his nails break and his stomach always aches.

he's learned to ignore it all but he can't anymore, not when he can't recognize who he is in the mirror.

when did this happen? when did the numbers become so important, so overbearing that they dictated his entire life.

_this is wrong, it's wrong!_

he knows it but he continues. he's addicted and he wants it to stop but he _can't._

god, what has he done?

felix looks at the mirror again and holds back a gasp. _his reflection…_

his cheeks are gone, his face looks so thin. he doesn't look pretty. he looks like a human skeleton. it's disgusting, _he's_ disgusting.

he falls to the floor, silent cries for help on his lips. his body shakes, from the cold or his sobs he doesn't know.

he knows what this is. he knows he can die.

_don't cry felix, i'm here,_ the voice says, _i've been here all along. i'm just trying to help you. i wouldn't hurt you._

he doesn't know what to believe and he wants it to be over. he doesn't want this anymore. the mirror lied, the numbers kept decreasing and he wants his life back.

_this is his life, this is what he lives with now._

felix wishes he could go back in time and tell his past self what he knows now. instead he gets up, wipes his tears away and goes to bed.

he did this to himself, he _deserves_ this.

he doesn't deserve to wake up tomorrow.

* * *

waking up feels like the hardest thing felix has ever done. he struggles to get up, every movement causing a wave of dizziness to crash upon him.

He stands up, out of breath. He feels like he can pass out at any moment.

_god, what time is it? what day is it? did he have practice or a schedule?_

his brain comes up with nothing. his memory is so bad, he doesn't know what day of the week it is, hell he doesn't even know the date.

no one woke him up so he assumes he's fine.

he walks outside the room, each step a hassle. he makes his way to the living room and stops.

chan, woojin, minho and changbin are sitting on the couch. they're looking at him in concern.

_we're they waiting for him…?_

"what's going on?" he asks, his voice raspy. he doesn't see any of the other maknae line and sighs.

an intervention.

great, exactly what he wanted while his entire life was falling apart.

"felix why don't you sit down." .

it was a suggestion but the tone of chan's voice didn't leave room for options. he carefully sat down as far away from them as he could, on the couch near the door just in case he needed an escape.

"what's up hyungs?" he tries to say nonchalantly as if his entire body wasn't strumming with anxiety. his fingers instinctively went to his neck to check his pulse.

his hyungs share a look before they finally settle on chan.

felix plays with the strings of his pajama pants in order to keep himself calm. he _hates_ this. hates how he wasted his hyungs's time, hates how he's put a burden on their shoulders, hates how they have to _deal_ with _him._

"felix, recently we've noticed a change." chan starts and cringes. it's clear chan is out of his element. "at first we didn't think much of it y'know which maybe says something about us as hyungs but as the days passed by, you got worse and we can't stand by and watch you do this to yourself anymore."

he stops, unsure how to continue.

"what chan is trying to say is that we noticed. we noticed how hard it's been for you lixie." woojin says softly.

his soft voice, full of sympathy of understanding makes felix burst into tears.

he doesn't mean for it to happen and he quickly rushes to cover his face with his hands. his shoulders shake in shame but god, it feels so nice to hear it. to hear someone say they _care._

"oh lixie, why are you crying?" minho asks softly as he reaches for him. he brings him to his chest and felix clutches onto his hyung.

"it's okay, let it out."

changbin is rubbing his back and any other day he would be embarrassed but right now it feels nice and comforting.

"i'm sorry." he cries out.

and he is. he's _so_ sorry for everything. for making them worry, for making them have to watch out for him, for placing unnecessary stress on them because of his bad decisions.

but most of all, he's sorry to himself. he's sorry he listened to the voice and put his body through hell.

he is so undeniably sorry.

* * *

it takes a while for felix to stop crying. it's something that has built up over the last few weeks, and once he released the dam, it all flowed out.

his face is no doubt swollen and gross but he feels better. he feels lighter and the tight feeling in his chest is gone.

he pulls away from minho's chest and looks at chan, making eye contact with him.

"i need help." is all he says.

his voice is strong and stable, he's scared of what is to come but he knows he has to get help.

"i know, i know felix and we'll get you help okay? you'll never have to do this alone."

for the first time in over a month, the voice goes silent and he can breath again.

recovery won't be easy but he owes it to his members, to his fans, to _himself_ to get better.

_no matter how long it takes._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And scene! We are a chapter away from the finale! I hope you guys liked this chapter. I really liked it! Some notes:  
> \- i never got a confrontation, i never got help. I recovered by myself in silence over the summer before my last year of middle school so thats why i didn't go into that much detail during felix's confrontation  
> \- i wanted to stress the importance of getting help so I hope that i did a good job with that. felix ultimately asks for help which is a really scary thing but he's gonna get better and you guys will see that in the next chapter  
> \- update schedule: the last chapter will go up August 1st (the last day of my semester) after I post my jisung centric fic. It's not the jisung centric fic that goes with this series (that one is about depression + suicide, things i deal with) but i still hope you guys will give it a read.  
> \- 45kg = 99/100 lbs
> 
> Anyway, I'd love to know your thoughts on this chapter. Stay safe!


	5. ignore what the voice tells me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> recovery is a long process.

* * *

_I can reach out_  
_To someone not like me_  
_If you ask for help, it doesn’t make you weak_  
_I can reach out_  
_To someone not like me_  
_I can help my mind learn to trust my body_  
_I can reach out_  
_To someone not like me_  
_If you ask for help, it doesn’t make you weak_  
_I can reach out_  
_Ignore what the voice tells me_  
_I can help my mind learn to trust my body_

* * *

felix doesn't remember when it starts but he's happy it does. he's happy when he can look in a mirror and not immediately recoil in disgust. he's happy he's getting somewhere.

recovery is… hard.

he thinks it's silly, that he half expects to get better in a month or two when all it took was a few weeks for him to destroy his entire body.

it takes almost three weeks for him to be able to eat a third of an actual meal, and he can only do that once a day. the rest of the day is spent eating snacks so he can slowly work his way up to eating more.

it sucks and he hates putting more responsibilities on his member's shoulders. he hates that he's put yet another burden on them but that's his life now.

"stop that."

his thoughts are interrupted by a small pain in his forehead.

"yah, what's that for." he complains as he rubs his forehead.

changbin gives him a look, "i recognize that look on your face, it's the one where you think about how much you burden us."

felix pouts, "no…"

"yeah sure." he says with an eye roll but he reaches for his hand, "you know it's not true, right? we're here for you because we care. you're not a burden or unnecessary stress. we want you to feel better and no one should ever be expected to recover on their own."

he looks at their intertwined fingers and nods. changbin has been his biggest help in getting better. he never complains when he can't finish his food, he holds him whenever he cries and always stops him from weighing himself in the middle of the night.

"i know, i promise i know. it's just sometimes hard to actually believe it."

the voice is still present. he thinks it always will be. it's mean and does it's best to gain control of him again but he has eight other voices that help him fight it off.

"that's why we're here, to always remind you." changbin says with a soft smile.

he smiles back, his heart beating fast. their relationship isn't complex, they both know there are mutual feelings involved, and one day they'll act on them, but not today, not when he's like this.

_"i can't fix you, i don't want to fix you. i want to help you get better. until then i can wait. you need to heal and i never want to feel like i took advantage of you at this state. just focus on recovery for now." changbin had said with a smile when felix brought up their relationship._

"you ready?"

chan says, popping his head into the waiting room.

it's their monthly weigh ins, to ensure they're all sticking to their health plans and not going over or under their necessary weights before their comeback.

felix nods, his stomach churns with anxiety but this time he has eight people rooting for him.

chan holds his hand and walks inside with him, just like he has for the last few months since he started his recovery process.

he greets the doctor, a new one after the last one was fired for the comments he made towards him and other idols in their company.

"hello felix." she says, a smile on her face. she looks happy to see him and it helps lift some of the anxiety he feels, "please step on the scale for me."

he nods and steps on the scale. he looks away, knowing that if he knew how much it was, it'd be easy for him to spiral down that road again.

he hears scribbling and then, "you can step off now please."

he lets out a breath he didn't know he was holding in. She never tells felix his weight, not ever since he let her know the first time around but it still scares him that she might.

"You're doing really well felix, i'm proud of you." she says, "are you sticking with the plan you set up?"

he nods shyly, "yes. the other members really help out so i always stick to it."

"that's great! i'll let your nutritionist know." she says. she pulls out a sticker and gives it to him, "i'll see you next month okay?"

"okay!" he says, happy to get out of the room. he thanks her and takes the sticker.

"not so bad this time huh?" chan says as he pulls him into a hug.

"no, not really."

and he means it. for the first time in _years,_ going to the doctor doesn't feel like a panic attack waiting to happen. it's… nice and it's not somewhere felix thought he'd ever get.

"you okay?" changbin asks softly in the car.

felix nods and puts his hand on top of his, "yeah, i'm good, promise."

he means it.

the rest of the car ride is chaos. jisung and woojin break into song and everyone starts singing along. it quickly turns into improv karaoke. at one point felix sings along to smash mouth and argues over which shrek movie is the best.

it's the second one, period.

recovery is hard, it takes a lot out of him, mentally and physically. often times, he breaks down in tears.

for now, he enjoys the time he has with his friends. for now he enjoys having fun and singing without the voice looming over him.

felix doesn't need to dream. right now he's happy and _alive._

* * *

"-- and he didn't even flinch." jisung says, recalling a funny memory from their trainee days.

the boys laugh, reaching for more food. they're eating fried chicken and ramen this time around -- woojin's request.

they don't have practice today, they never do after weigh ins. it's a rule they put into place when felix first admitted to how unhealthily he exercised.

he smiles, munching on his piece of chicken. he likes this, he likes eating with his friends and listening to them talk. for weeks he isolated himself, refusing to eat with them so it's a slow process of getting use to it again.

he struggles now, to eat in public with people. he has to count everything to make sure everyone gets a piece before he reaches for another. he doesn't want to _feel_ fat by grabbing more before anyone else does.

it's something new but he's working through it.

the members help, they don't comment on how much he eats, they don't force him to eat more and they distract him long enough that he doesn't even notice he's eating.

changbin is good at that, at making felix forget he's eating so he ends up eating everything on his plate. it's a great tactic and it really helps on days when he struggles more.

he reaches for another piece when --

_are you really going to eat more felix? you've already eaten so much. do you really want to get even fatter?_ the voice taunts.

he pauses, hesitantly retracting his hand. he's conflicted. he knows he can eat more, hell he's even encouraged to eat more but _the voice._

"did you try the spicy one lix? i swore it almost burned a hole through my mouth, here look. ahhh."

jisung opens his mouth, showing him and felix laughs. he pushes his almost twin's mouth away.

"gross! but no i haven't."

jisung grabs a piece with his chopsticks and places it in front of his mouth, "try it! it almost made jinnie cry from the spice."

"it did not!"

jisung and hyunjin squabble away. how the two even ended up dating is beyond him, he thinks in amusement as they argue back and forth.

he appreciates what they're doing though and takes a bite.

he chews thoughtfully, it's spicy but not extremely so. good chicken flavor though.

"it's not really spicy."

jisung and hyunjin gasp, simultaneous cries of, "stay back demon!"

he laughs at them and continues to eat, even as they yell out about the demon chicken.

he feels a hand hold his and turns to see changbin, staring at him with pride, a big smile on his face.

he smiles back, his cheeks no doubt turning red.

months ago he thought losing weight was the only way to go. he thought he was so fat that his members only kept him along out of pity, and that if he lost weight he'd _feel_ better and do better.

he use to stare at his members in envy at their thin, tall bodies and wonder why he was so inadequate next to them.

now?

he doesn't care.

he'll always worry about weight and he still has a long way to recovery but in the moment, as he laughs with his members, he can't find a single reason to care about what his body looks like.

maybe it's skinny or fat or in between. maybe it's not appealing but who cares? his body kept him alive, his body survived as he put it through hell and bounced back during recovery.

his body is working hard so he can dance to his full potential again.

he's not perfect, not by any means but neither are his members (although chan is as close to perfection as it can get), neither are his fans and neither is anyone with a thin body.

he's going to recover, he's going to be happy and he's going to get himself a very handsome boyfriend, all in due time.

for now, the voice can fuck off. he usually ignores all it says anyway.

inside, he's no longer empty, inside is the love of eight individuals ready to help him no matter what.

recovery is hard.

but he's strong and he's going to be happy.

_no matter what it takes._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> end.  
> thank you for joining me on this journey! this fic is very personal to me and im happy it recieved the love that it did. im guilty of reading ED fics because everyone experiences them differently. this is just my take on my own personal story through felix's perspective. the ending did what it intended and it left a couple things open because that's how recovery is. it's a long process and you can't just sum it up in one chapter so i hope thats okay! our final notes ahead:  
> \- ahh i can't believe it's the final chapter! i really wanted the final chapter to parallel the first chapter to show how much felix has been through but also how much he's grown from all of it. i hope i did a good job lol.  
> \- changlix are a thing but i didnt want to make them a thing. changbin supports felix and helps him through it but he's not 'fixing' him. my biggest pet peeve with how media portrays EDs is that you can be saved by someone's love and that immediately makes everything better. you can get better with the help of other or for others but ultimately you save yourself and i wanted to stress that. recovery does include other people but its a personal thing. so yeet. theyll be cute bfs in the future, theres no rush and getting better is the number one priority for felix.  
> \- hyunsung are dating because i said so and theyre my fave ship  
> \- this is the only chapter without knowing felix's weight! and thats a good thing. his weight is doing good but he doesn't need to know what it is. i personally cant know what my weight is because ill spiral so i made felix the same. all the things i describe in this chapter are things that affect me personally. 
> 
> so yeah! thank you for reading! stay safe everyone 💖  
> 


End file.
